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Loving Wife

 

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail

and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,

don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.Be strong, honey. I love you!'

 

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'

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A sentimental moment

 

My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the stores on Blue Hill Avenue, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like sweeping the porch or washing the sidewalk. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.

 

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles in order to collect the deposit money. It was a beautiful spring day. She told me that I would find a wonderful woman someday. "And always remember this advice," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

 

"Why is that so important, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice.,

 

"Makes your d!ck look bigger."

 

I miss Grandma.

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Retail store

 

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

 

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

 

The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.

 

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

 

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like ****."

 

The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

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Keep it warm

 

A man in a restaurant orders the house special. An old waiter brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. The customer notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup.

Feeling sorry for the old man he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When he brings the main course his thumb is in the potatoes. Then in the coffee.

 

Finally, he angrily asks the waiter why he has his thumb in all his hot food. The waiter says, "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm." The customer says, "why don't you stick it up your ass!" And the waiter.

 

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Getting Lost

 

A reporter when up into the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He met an old man in a small town and asked him about memorable events in his life.

 

"Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost. So me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"

 

The reporter knew he couldn't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

 

"Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found her. Then we drank the moonshine and screwed her. Now that was a lot of fun!"

 

The frustrated reporter told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any sad memories he could talk about.

 

The old man paused, then said, "Well, one time I got lost...... "

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Old Age

 

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.

 

"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

 

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

 

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

 

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

 

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

 

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

 

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning t 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

 

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

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Post Operative Nostalgia

 

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

 

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts--something she seemed to love to do.

 

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

 

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

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Father John

 

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

 

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

 

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

 

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.

And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

 

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did it felt so good being saved."

 

"That wicked old b@st@rd" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 year

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:lol: :lol: :P :P :D :D :D

 

 

Post Operative Nostalgia

 

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

 

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts--something she seemed to love to do.

 

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

 

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

=======

 

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