Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
GNOME

Adult Jokes

Recommended Posts

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

 

“I can’t do that, officer.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

 

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

 

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

 

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

 

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

 

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

 

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m drunk.”

======================

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rebirth

 

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.

 

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.

 

James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”

 

St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

 

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”

 

“Never” replies James.

 

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

 

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!

 

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting the bed!”

 

==============

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Deduction

 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

 

1 gallon of low fat milk

a carton of eggs

2 cartons of orange juice

a head of lettuce

a half dozen tomatoes

a jar of coffee

a pack of bacon

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated "You must be single."

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

===============

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

 

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

 

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

 

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car?

 

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

 

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

 

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

 

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again..........

 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

 

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

 

Never forget to "Think Outside the Box."

 

HOWEVER...., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers!!!!

 

God, I just love happy endings.

==========

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured “sure, why not,” as they haven’t played with anyone else in quite some time.

 

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.

 

The stranger said “No really, I’m hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don’t believe me, I’ve never been dishonest.”

 

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?”

 

“Sure,” said the stranger.

 

So the man looked around for a second and said “HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too! And he’s in my room!”

 

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The man said “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.”

 

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He’s looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he’s waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, “Just hold on a minute… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”

==============

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank God it is Friday

 

One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…

 

Satan: Why so glum?

 

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell!

 

Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

 

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

 

Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don’t have to worry about hangovers because you’re dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

 

Satan: You a smoker?

 

Guy: You better believe it!

 

Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer?no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?

 

Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!

 

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

 

Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do.

 

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you’re dead anyway. What about drugs?

 

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…

 

Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack…or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares?!?!?!

 

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

 

Satan: You gay?

 

Guy: No…

 

Satan: Ooooh…You’re gonna HATE Fridays.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Importance of Night Classes

 

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

 

Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Narayan: oh!

 

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

 

The next day, the same discussion took place:

 

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers', if you take night courses, you would know this.

 

The next day, once again:

 

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of 'Confessions', if you take night courses, you would know this.

 

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

 

Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy roaming around with your wife! If you stop the night courses, you would know!

 

==================

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Charity

 

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman . . .

 

. . . Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."

 

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

 

She was bare-foot so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

 

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

 

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

 

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore.

 

===========

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lawyers

 

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

 

The defense attorney almost died.

 

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

Moral of the Story:Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

 

==================

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In Heaven

 

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon.

After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five.

After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback.

"Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

 

=================

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.