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Adult Jokes

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The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did

some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000

dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they

bought the cow from Alberta.

 

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the

people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate

with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to

worry about the milk supply again.

 

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the

bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

 

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise,

what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull

approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she

moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An

approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

 

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow

from Alberta?"

 

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten

the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from

Alberta?

 

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

 

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

 

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

 

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"

 

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

 

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

 

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout,and drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

 

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

 

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it.”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “$25.00”

 

The next few weeks find the boy and her mother’s lover in the closet together.

 

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball mitt.”

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy: “$75.00”

Man: “Fine.”

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy: “$100.00”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church and making you confess.”

 

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, then closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh!t again.”

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A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his ******* and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his ******* without a single scratch.

 

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them… grabs some sliced limes and eats them… then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No, what?” says the guy. “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite. I’ll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate.” He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

 

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did?” “What this time?” asks the patron. “Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

 

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures it first!”

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A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

 

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

 

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

 

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!

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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

 

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

 

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

 

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

 

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

 

A Blonde Girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

 

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

 

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

 

"Oh," said the Blonde Girl sympathetically, "That must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that

mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a

boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

 

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A Mexican, American, and a Pollock were flying together. The plane flew over the Mexico, and the hispanic man dropped a pear. The other two asked why? The man replies, "I love my country."

 

 

 

Few hours later they fly over the United States of America, the American dropped an apple to show his love for his country. The Pollock ask why he dropped the apple? With pride in his voice he yelled I'm proud to be an American.

 

As they fly over the Pollock's country, the Pollock decided he would dropped a bomb. The other two ask why, and he replies, "I hate my country."

 

When they land, the Mexican sees a little boy crying. He asks why. The little boy says "a pear hit him on the head." The American sees a little girl crying and asks why. The little girl says "an apple hit her on the head." The Pollock sees a guy laughing and he asks why. The guy replies, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!"

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