Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
GNOME

Adult Jokes

Recommended Posts

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

 

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

 

"And what if I swallow it?"

 

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A priest had lost a cock (Rooster) and didn't

know where to find it.

So at the sermon next day he queried

"Has anybody got the cock ? "

All the men stood up.

"No no I mean has anybody seen the cock?"

All the women folk stood up.

"No no I mean has anybody seen my cock?"

All the nuns stood up

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Enjoying the sun rise, an old man sat on his front porch down in Louisiana. As he glanced up the road, the neighbor's kid walked by carrying something big under his arm.

 

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

 

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy returns and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

 

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

 

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy returns and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

 

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy carrying a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "Pu55y willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

11 Reasons for Going To Work Naked

 

1. Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

11. No one steals your chair.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.

"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."

"Oh Relax and don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Valentine's Day is...

 

Flowers: Rs. 300

Dinner and Movie: Rs. 900

Hotel room afterwards: Rs. 2,000

The look on your face when she says she's on her period: F#@king Priceless.

:o:lol::D:P

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Long time no see GNOME g. Saanchai?

 

 

==SAUSAGE==

 

A Pollock and a Wop were discussing how far each could stretch a dime. They met several days' later and exchanged results.

 

The Wop bought cigar and smoked 1/3 the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked 1/2 the second day and saved the ashes. when the cigar was finished he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer.

 

He told the Pollock to beat that for his stretching a dime.

 

the Pollock bought a polish sausage for his dime. The first day he ate half of it. The second day he ate the other half. The third day he used the skin for a rubber. The fourth day he took a sh!t in the skin and sewed it up, and took it back to the butched and told him it smelled like sh!t and got his dime back. The butcher put it back in the showcase and sold it to the Wop as pepperoni.

 

========

Edited by newapasa

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.