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Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large

bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

 

"Sand," answered Juan.

 

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard

takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them out and finds nothing

in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,

only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the

man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

 

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

 

"Sand," says Juan.

 

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain

nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the

border on his bicycle.

 

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally,

Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in

Mexico.

 

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's

driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you

and me, what are you smuggling?"

 

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

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A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that F**King party, you're lucky you don't bark."

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Crazy Boss and Secretary

 

 

 

She says, "My boss is so sex-crazed."

 

Everytime he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format.

 

I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE.

 

Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE.

 

Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, and ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.

 

Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and Shifted me to his HOME where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said "TURNOVER"

 

Today, many a times he works without CAPSLOCK (without "cap" or "helmet") and sometimes as an Alternative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he looses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN...

 

This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEM

 

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Bite Your Breasts

A bloke walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says, "Hey, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?"

She says, "Are you mad?"

He says, "OK, would you let me bite your breasts for £1000?"

She says, "I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

He says, "OK, would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000?"

She thinks about it and says, "OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman eventually gets annoyed and says "Well? Are you going to bite them or not?"

"Nah," he says. "Costs too much."

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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

 

 

 

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

 

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

 

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

The tailor replied, "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

 

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck."

 

Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

"Been in the business 60 years!"

 

 

 

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

 

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

 

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished,

 

"That's right, how did you know?"

 

"Been in the business 60 years!"

 

 

 

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

 

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

 

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

 

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

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A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

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:rolleyes::D:)

 

Bite Your Breasts

A bloke walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says, "Hey, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?"

She says, "Are you mad?"

He says, "OK, would you let me bite your breasts for £1000?"

She says, "I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

He says, "OK, would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000?"

She thinks about it and says, "OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman eventually gets annoyed and says "Well? Are you going to bite them or not?"

"Nah," he says. "Costs too much."

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A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

 

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

 

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

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